This article is part of our “What now?” series, which helps multigenerational families prepare for life changes. It explores how conversations about family wealth, inheritance, trusts, debt, prenuptial agreements and shared financial goals can help partners build trust, align expectations and prepare for their future together.

Introduction

Finding a spouse and partner is one of life’s most important and meaningful events. It’s also a key moment financially, especially if you come from a family of wealth. Decisions you make now could affect your financial future as well as relationships with your partner and your family.

“A lot depends on having open, detailed conversations about wealth,” says Rocky Fittizzi, Wealth Strategies Advisor and Head of Full Family Engagement for Bank of America Private Bank. Getting an early start on these conversations could help minimize tensions and make wealth a natural part of planning for the future. If you’re in a serious relationship or at a stage of life where that may be on the horizon, consider asking your parents to share information with you and — long before you set the wedding date — speak with your partner about how your financial situation could affect your life together.

The risk of surprises

“Even close families have trouble discussing money and inheritance and often put off those conversations,” Fittizzi says. Too often, young adults get their first inkling of the full extent of their family’s wealth only when they’re about to get married and their parents raise the subject of a prenuptial agreement (prenup) for the spouse-to-be to sign.

But processing complex financial details at an already emotional time can lead to misunderstandings, especially if the news reveals a sharp imbalance in the resources you and your partner bring to the union. Your partner may think you’ve been withholding information even though you’re just now finding out about your family’s wealth yourself. And future spouses may see a prenup or family trust provisions designed to protect wealth for generations as being directed at them, personally, or as a prediction that the marriage will fail.

Conversations with your parents

If your parents haven’t yet shared financial details about your family with you, approach the subject sensitively. Instead of simply asking how much money you’ll be inheriting, you might ask, ‘Can we have a conversation about wealth and money? I’d like to understand what that means for my future.’ Your family’s Bank of America Private Bank advisor or a Bank of America Next Gen Specialist can help break the ice and guide the conversation.

Once the topic is introduced, that’s the opportunity to start asking more probing questions. For example, will your inheritance come in the form of distributions from a trust? If so, how will you receive that money? Will you need to make requests to a trustee?

Will you have control over how much goes to your own children, or is that something that’s governed by the trust documents?

Next, you could ask, ‘What are your expectations if I bring a partner into our family?’ For example, if your parents expect your future spouse to sign a prenup, this is an opportunity to hear why they want that, and to share your own thoughts. Chances are, they’re not assuming that you’ll get divorced but are simply trying to make things easier in case you or anyone else in the family finds themselves at that crossroads. Wherever you land on this subject, you can have the conversation without feeling like it’s directed personally at you or your partner.

Communicating with your partner

Equipped with this information, you can make family wealth a natural part of conversations as a relationship deepens and you and a partner begin to discuss marriage and finances. Fittizzi suggests starting with the assets and financial resources each of you has, including your salaries, bonuses and other income, such as income from a trust.

“Explain how much you’re guaranteed to receive each year,” Fittizzi says. “Next, follow up by considering your expenses. Where are you going to live? What will your lifestyle costs look like?” The conversation should also include your credit histories and outstanding debts, he says. Your advisor or a Next Gen Specialist can help with these discussions as well, to provide information and ensure you cover every topic.

Be prepared for a range of reactions. A partner who also comes from a wealthy family may raise some of the same issues you’ve been discussing with your parents or may resist having a conversation on wealth. Likewise, a partner bringing fewer financial resources into the marriage might welcome financial discussions or the prospect of a prenup — or feel intimidated by the financial imbalance. It can be jarring to think, no matter how much money they earn, it may never match the kind of money their spouse-to-be is bringing into the relationship. It could make them feel like their hard work and everything they do is inconsequential.

Whatever the reaction, create a long-term financial plan that will enable your partner to contribute meaningfully. If you’re going to be paying the mortgage and other expenses, you might agree that your spouse will pay for your kids’ schooling or the mortgage on a vacation home. If a prenup is part of the conversation, raising the topic early on — perhaps with the help of your family’s advisor — could make it easier to explain that prenups are a standard practice in your family and not something directed at any individual. This will also give your partner the chance to raise any questions or concerns and come away with a clearer understanding of what to expect.

When time is of the essence

While there are clear advantages to having these conversations well in advance of your marriage, don’t panic if you find yourself learning about family finances on the cusp of the wedding. Try to be patient with your parents and partner alike, Fittizzi suggests.

“Some people find humor in these situations. For others, it’s all business, and for some, it’s somewhere in between,” Fittizzi says. While it may be natural to feel your parents were holding back information, try to see things from their perspective, he says. Chances are, they simply assumed there would be more time.

As for conversations with your spouse-to-be, even if time is short, don’t try to cram everything into a single discussion. You might have an opening conversation to give your partner a general idea of your financial situation. “Then you might say, ‘Tomorrow night, let’s talk about what your thoughts and feelings are.’ Then, on day three, you might have a conversation diving into details on actual numbers,” Fittizzi says. While these conversations are important, “don’t feel like you have to adopt a super-serious tone and demeanor that your partner won’t recognize,” he says. “Each couple will handle these talks in their own way, so just be yourself.”

In the end, he adds, whether speaking with your parents or your partner, what really matters is the strength of your relationships. “You have to trust that your relationships are strong enough to weather any potential storm.”